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Can you remember the last time you were wrong about something? What was your reaction? A little agitation? A whole lot of anger? Complete devastation? These are normal responses to being told we are wrong. Most of us were raised in a world where being right is the main goal and the
highest reward. You may even be reading this very article about not being right to prove to yourself that I am wrong in my personal resolution to stop being right for the rest of this year. I am writing this article to try and get as many people as I can to join me in this goal.
The attitude of having to be right is why we have conflict and why we find ourselves largely unhappy in our key relationships. Conflict is caused by the desire to be right. Need proof? Think about an argument you have recently had. Was it with your spouse, co-worker, the cashier at Target? It doesn't matter who it was, or what you think about them, or even what the facts were. What generated the conflict was your need to prove you were right about whatever happened.
In any situation that involves conflict you would be better off in the long run to give up your irresistible need to be right every time. You may wish to fight to the death on some issue that is important to you---and those fights are likely the ones that define who you are and what you stand for. But when you are fighting over who took out the garbage last, or whether you were actually the next one in line, you may need to see where your need to be right is getting in your way of being happy.
Dr. Robert Bolton, bestselling author of "People Skills" states, "My research indicates that 95% of all conflict stems from the irresistible need to be right. Our conflict would diminish greatly if we gave up this mindset." But how do we go about changing this mindset?
Following are the two steps in a process I call "The Ego Crusher." Focusing on these two steps for getting rid of the ego will automatically open up the way for allowing in more happiness. These two areas could use a lot more attention during this season of resolutions. If you make these two steps your focus this year, any New Year's Resolution you desire will naturally follow.
1. Don't Be Better Than Me.
Send your Ego on a trip. It's time, folks. We've let the Ego run the show for too long. How we look, what we do, what we drive...it's all for Ego. "Am I approved of?" is more important than "Do I like myself"? And the flipside is "I don't approve of you...because you aren't doing it like me." The Ego loves nothing more than a comparison-fest. Who's the skinniest? Who's the richest? Who looks the youngest? And the only time we are happy is when we believe we won the prize for "most right." It doesn't matter that this can all change with the entry of just one more guest. In that moment, we lose the prize of "cutest" and become ordinary. And our happy feeling is sent on its way.
Instead of trying to be better (or more right) than everyone else, try being better than you were yesterday, last week or last year. Make your measuring stick an internal one. Are you better today than yesterday? Are your choices today getting you closer to the goals you've set for yourself (vs. goals set by your spouse, your boss, or your best friend?).
"I'm not better than you, but I'm better than I was" is the new motto. Send Ego packin'!
2. Spend Lots of Time Looking in the Mirror.
While looking inwardly for your happiness, looking outwardly still has its place. Using the Mirror Technique is a great way to see where you still need work. The next time someone bothers you, irritates you, or infuriates you simply look into "the mirror." The only reason this person has pushed your buttons is because they possess the very traits you most dislike in yourself. The best way to see where we need work is to observe what we are rejecting in others. Each time you get agitated by someone, flip it, and see where you hold that very trait. Where can you change this or accept it in yourself? Never mind the person that triggered this in you (that's their business, not yours) and besides, there is plenty of work to be done without seeking it out in another. Focus on getting better (see #1) and you won't have time to focus on correcting other people's faults.
Follow the "Ego Crusher" for the rest of this year and see if you aren't happier as you ring in 2010. All you've got to lose is your ego!
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